Lill-Tove Bergmo is the founder and managing director of Gambling Addiction Norway. An incident in her close family turned the life she knew upside down, and in 2002 she helped found the organisation.
This is Lill-Tove's own story.
Want to help more people: The difficult time the Bergmo couple went through resulted in a nationwide organization that helps families affected by gambling addiction.
In the summer of 2000, I was going to stand as a bride and say yes to my future husband. It was a perfect day and a perfect start to a life together. Little did I know then that my husband was actually in the middle of his worst nightmare as a gambling addict.
Shortly after the wedding, he began to change from a happy and caring husband to a cold and aggressive one. At the same time as his behavior changed, I became pregnant with my second child. So I thought it was my hormonal changes that made me perceive him so negatively. But time passed, and he never became himself again.
Gradually, our finances began to falter. We were constantly broke, and there was never enough money for the household or the bills. I couldn't understand where all the money was going, and tried several times to talk to my husband about it. He always became evasive and cold.
He was good at explaining away
I began to notice that he always put his own mail aside when it arrived, but I didn't think much about why. The warning lights didn't go on either when people around us told us that he was often seen downtown, playing on the slot machines. He could explain away his spending with the most incredible excuses; Our money had gone to single mothers who couldn't feed their children, or the bank had misplaced it. Sometimes he would suddenly lose money. In retrospect, I see that these were clear signs that something was wrong, but the warning lights still didn't go on that he was a gambling addict.
Talk about it: Lill-Tove believes it is important to talk about gambling addiction and how it affects the whole family.
In the last few weeks before the truth came out, his employer started calling him daily. There was always something wrong with the financial settlements at work after my husband had been there. Then I became skeptical, and for a while I thought he was having an affair with another woman. He also showed no warmth or interest in me, and the atmosphere was very bad. We were newlyweds, and this was supposed to be a happy time full of joy. Instead, we just argued all the time, and in addition, my pregnancy was physically taxing on me.
The truth comes out
At the end of October of that year, the truth came out. I will never forget that day – it was the turning point. After a weekend of arguing about missing money, it was good that he went to work as usual that Monday. I was quite broken and desperate after the weekend, because I didn’t get any real answers from him to the questions I asked. All I got were lies.
That same day, I was visited by a good friend who I confided in. She surprised me by asking, “Are you sure he doesn’t have a gambling problem?” The words came like a punch to the gut. We talked for hours, and it finally gave me enough courage to tackle the problem once and for all. Enough was enough.
After she left, I went around the house and collected all the mail he hadn't opened. With each letter I opened, my despair grew. Letter after letter with credits appeared, and I became angrier and more desperate with each letter that appeared with the same message. My emotions raged inside me, and in a desperate hope that this was not true, I called the bank to see if they had made a mistake. But the credits were valid, and it was my husband who had taken them out.
Confrontation
I was shocked, and couldn't understand everything that was happening around me. The next thing I did was call my husband and ask him to come home from work. I told him that the time he spent on the drive home was time well spent deciding to be honest about what happened. If not, I would pack my things and leave.
When he finally came through the door, he was broken and crying profusely. I presented all the papers I had found and demanded to know where the money had gone. He replied, “You know where the money is.” A chill ran down my spine when I realized the money was gone. He laid all his cards on the table that night, I thought. When he finished explaining, I was speechless. It was hard to understand that he had gambled away savings, borrowed money, and a job settlement.
I needed to get out of the house, and after a lonely drive to collect my thoughts, I decided that together we would figure things out. It had only been a few months since I had said yes to him in church; in good times and bad. He was very relieved, and felt an immense relief not to have to lie anymore.
Where should I get help?
In the following days, I contacted every possible agency looking for help. It was a terrible process, because there was no help to be found. Finally, I called the information line and told the lady on the other end of the line: “I have a ‘game legal’ husband, and we need help.”
She was nice and understanding, and searched all over the country for an agency we could contact. Finally, we found Renåvangen – an intensive course that lasted two weeks. We got a place on the course, but the treatment cost a lot of money. If there was one thing we didn’t have, it was money. So I had to continue my search for help and treatment. Finally, I ended up with the county governor. I told our story, and was met with warmth and understanding for a difficult situation. It all ended with us getting help from the social services to cover the course stay and the travel to the treatment center in Renåvangen.
A bad thing rarely comes alone.
When the treatment plan was in place, a new problem emerged: the money he had borrowed was borrowed both legally and illegally, and had a short repayment period. We were in danger of losing everything we owned, and therefore had to tell the bank about our situation. They were very understanding, and helped us refinance the debt. For me, it was bitter and difficult to be left with a debt for which we did not get anything in return, and I felt a sense of injustice gnawing at me.
The agreement with the bank brought some relief. The joy was short-lived, however, because several credits arrived in the mail that my husband had not dared to tell me about. I was borrowed money from a close family member, with instructions that the loan would be repaid immediately if my husband played on the slot machines several times.
During this stressful period, I was also 21 weeks pregnant – a critical time for a pregnancy. All the stress and strain from my gambling addiction sent me straight to the hospital, because my body was going into premature labor. Luckily, the doctors were able to stop it, and we were able to go home again, but with instructions to relax more. It’s easier said than done when your entire family’s daily lives are at stake because of an addiction.
Measures and new confidence
After finishing treatment at Renåvangen, my husband got better. He learned and realized what would happen if he didn't stop gambling. Now the job remained to build trust between us, and at the same time get ready to welcome a new family member.
To work preventively against addiction, I also set some requirements and implemented measures:
- We went to talk therapy. (We did this for 1.5 years)
- I took over all the finances and blocked the account. (This is how we were for 2 years)
- I called the credit company and told them he was a gambling addict.
- We informed friends and family.
- He had to write a diary.
- If he felt like playing, he had to call me.
- He received cash once a week, and had to provide receipts for everything he had spent the money on. (We did this for about 1 year)
- He had to set savings goals: After 3 years we got a new kitchen, after 5 years we bought a caravan.
- I was in regular contact with his employer.
All of these measures are tough on both parties, and we both had a hard time at first. The stress of addiction and the fear of losing our unborn child took their toll on us, and we thought our entire marriage was going to fall apart. Fortunately, we made it through the struggles, and everyday life gradually became easier. Confidence returned, and he did great. When I finally managed to lower my shoulders, I fell into a depression. I had forgotten my own needs in this whole process, and it was hard to get back up. Fortunately, we already had a good routine of therapy conversations that helped me.
Someone to talk to
Today marks over two decades since that unfortunate Monday. We are doing well today and I trust him again. I share our story because I want to reassure others who are in a similar situation that it is possible to get through it with both your relationship and your family intact. A good tip is to take one day at a time, so that you can process all the emotions that come up. It is tough, but it is worth it – even though I would have liked to have been apart of the experience. The positive thing about all this crap is that we have a strong marriage, and a solid friendship. I am incredibly proud of my husband for being able to quit gambling.
My advice to other relatives is to seek help, and talk to others who have experienced the same thing. Listen to your own gut feeling, and find out if you can handle the situation, or if you feel it is getting too tough. Only we can take care of ourselves, and only we ourselves know what is the right thing to do for ourselves. But know; there is help available!
Good luck and keep going! It's worth it.
Best wishes from
Lill-Tove Bergmo.
Do you have any questions or want to talk?
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